Confused

Confused.

That's the only way to describe how I'm feeling right now. It would be cliché to say that I've never felt this way about anyone before. But that would be the truth. I think. Yes, I've been seriously infatuated. Yes, I've spent weeks in anguish over various men. But this is different.

This is raw physical attraction. Lust? Meh. Let's stop trying to define it so simply. It's the attraction that I've never felt for any of the others. It's what has always been missing. I've tried to manufacture it. I've faked it. But never truly succeeded.

With him, it's different. It was never a flicker - always raging. I've tried to control it. I have to. But a single text message can crumble my resolve. I likened myself to Pavlov's dog last night. I was lost in a novel when he sent the text but in an instant, there it was. The burning desire. The text wasn't even risqué. It was just a "What's up?" but I was immediately... ha. What's the best word or phrase to use here? I could use the one that was used to describe me today but I won't. It'd be apt though. Ha.

Wait. So what am I confused about? I know what I want. Where's the confusion?

Oh. Him. I wish I could remember his JS name. In fact, he was the reason I started writing Summer 2005. Nothing really changes that much, huh? I wish I knew what he wanted. I don't know if I can give it to him. I also don't think he trusts me to give it either. I cannot blame him. We've played this game for years. He is always the loser. No, I did lose once.

And I may be losing again.