Does no always mean no?

Yesterday Z told me to about Deelishis (of Flavor of Love) describing being raped when she was 18. Short story:  He was 28. She went to visit him. She said she didn’t want intercourse. But she allowed oral sex. After oral sex, he insisted on intercourse and forced himself on her. Her husband said she led the man on. Z was shocked by the husband’s reaction. I wish I was.

 I heard so many similar sentiments over the years when I talk about rape in my classes.  Does no always mean no? Of course you would think that wouldn’t be up for debate but it always is. I remember a student asking, “Did she say no with bass in her voice or was it a weak no?” Yes, that was asked by an adult male. Other students have told me that if you don’t want sex, you should never put yourself in a situation where sex could happen.  

I just described Deelishis’ situation to a colleague and he also said that Deelishis was leading the man on. Legally, he says, she was raped but she can’t allow oral sex and not expect anything else.  He even said that men think about sex differently. Is it really a gender difference? Or is it that we are using that as an excuse?  If a man can easily hide behind the “It’s because I am a man” excuse, why would he need to act differently?