I don't know when I decided that I didn't want children. Each time I am asked why I don't, I don't give a complete answer. This is partly because the person asking is usually trying to convince me that I should/will want children.
Since I'm catching up on Private Practice, I am inundated with
baby stories. A character just found out that her unborn baby does not have a
brain (anencephalic)*. No brain! How scary is that? I think there is a baby in trouble every few
episodes. Each time I see one of these cases, a little voice says, "See, that's
why you're not having one." I dare anyone to tell me how rare any of these
disorders are and that my child probably wouldn't experience this. I will then
throw at you my rare illness - trigeminal neuralgia - that was caused by the
rare brain tumor. Point is, I know stats. I don't expect to end up with rare
disorders nor expect my child to, but it happens. And that freaks my crazy brain
When I was about 16, I worked in a medical lab and just for fun,
checked my blood type. I was O negative. I went home that day and read all my
mother's medical journals about being Rh negative. I remember reading
about the fact that babies born to women who are Rh negative may have some
difficulties. Even though my mother explained that risks were minimal (women
receive medication during pregnancy), that stuck with me. I remember adding it
to my mental list.
I do love babies. I love hearing about babies. I
follow several baby/mommy blogs. And funnily enough, I find food and fitness
blogs and several months in, the blogger announces her pregnancy and I am
suddenly following another baby blog. But even after reading all these
stories (I'm a sucker for birth stories), I still don't feel the need to have
one. And that's what it comes down to for me. At no point in my life have I ever
desired children. I have happily babysat infants, toddlers and little children.
I see the joy parents experience when they hold their children, when they watch
them take their first steps or watch in amazement at a new sight. I want to feel
joy but not from children.
I hate having to justify this. I hate feeling
like I have to submit a dissertation on this in order to be taken seriously.
When someone declares that s/he wants children, no one asks for justifications.
S/he doesn't need to argue his/her case unless of course, one has compelling
reasons why this person is unfit. But apparently my wishes are "abnormal" so I need to justify.
Sometimes to end a discussion, I will
often say that I don't want children now and that could possibly change. And
that's true. I could wake up one day and hear that biological clock that I've
heard of. For now, it's silent and I am OK with that.