I don't want children.

I don't know when I decided that I didn't want children. Each time I am asked why I don't, I don't give a complete answer. This is partly because the person asking is usually trying to convince me that I should/will want children.

Since I'm catching up on Private Practice, I am inundated with baby stories. A character just found out that her unborn baby does not have a brain (anencephalic)*. No brain! How scary is that? I think there is a baby in trouble every few episodes. Each time I see one of these cases, a little voice says, "See, that's why you're not having one." I dare anyone to tell me how rare any of these disorders are and that my child probably wouldn't experience this. I will then throw at you my rare illness - trigeminal neuralgia - that was caused by the rare brain tumor. Point is, I know stats. I don't expect to end up with rare disorders nor expect my child to, but it happens. And that freaks my crazy brain out.

When I was about 16, I worked in a medical lab and just for fun, checked my blood type. I was O negative. I went home that day and read all my mother's medical journals about being Rh negative. I remember reading about the fact that babies born to women who are Rh negative may have some difficulties. Even though my mother explained that risks were minimal (women receive medication during pregnancy), that stuck with me. I remember adding it to my mental list.

I do love babies. I love hearing about babies. I follow several baby/mommy blogs. And funnily enough, I find food and fitness blogs and several months in, the blogger announces her pregnancy and I am suddenly following another baby blog. But even after reading all these stories (I'm a sucker for birth stories), I still don't feel the need to have one. And that's what it comes down to for me. At no point in my life have I ever desired children. I have happily babysat infants, toddlers and little children. I see the joy parents experience when they hold their children, when they watch them take their first steps or watch in amazement at a new sight. I want to feel joy but not from children.

I hate having to justify this. I hate feeling like I have to submit a dissertation on this in order to be taken seriously. When someone declares that s/he wants children, no one asks for justifications. S/he doesn't need to argue his/her case unless of course, one has compelling reasons why this person is unfit. But apparently my wishes are "abnormal" so I need to justify.

Sometimes to end a discussion, I will often say that I don't want children now and that could possibly change. And that's true. I could wake up one day and hear that biological clock that I've heard of. For now, it's silent and I am OK with that.